[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.