Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
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uh oh
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
😂🤣😂🤣
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life