You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.