you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A collection of me turning into random objects.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A classic…
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes