*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I have a black belt in leather
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I think this should do it.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?