Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.