I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
when there are deer in the woods
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
There are no pants in heaven.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.