Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.