bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
bury ourselves
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze