I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
That’s it.I’m out.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.