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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Thereâs no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes⌠no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing youâre going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Smile they said.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldnât notice.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Iâm not a 6. Iâm two 3s in a trench coat.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, âDo we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him đ
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Im on my burner commenting âthank you for normalizing nose hair !â on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldnât open the pressure cooker]
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?