WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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