My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
You Might Also Like
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.