The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary