ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted