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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
A roof is a house hat.
Who knew!
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.