*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Important reminders
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Put a ring on it
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me if I was a dog
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.