Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Not today
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My love language is hissing.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.