If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”