This kinda thing happens to me often
You Might Also Like
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!