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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
😂🤣😂🤣
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Yup
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer