Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.