therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
You Might Also Like
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
#CatsOnTwitter
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”