JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”