Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Yup.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no