Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
You Might Also Like
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
who wants to go expliring
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro