My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You Might Also Like
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.