The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I know a bad idea when I see one.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa