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Not today. 😅
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids