I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The dark side of Canada
Oh we’ve met.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.