“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-