ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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Hank is one in a melon.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.