My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball