Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.