Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”