[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Very problematic
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
This guy gets it.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
what’s really going on