My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.