May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?