ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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It was worth a shot 😂
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.