News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The Birdles
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.