I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
That’s no pocket rocket.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.