there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
figuring out my emotional availability:
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
A drum solo but on your face.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.