[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Every. Damn. Time.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The biggest mystery of our time
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat