Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
new shirt idea
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
never compromise your values
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS