Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.