God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.