Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream