my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get