I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee