“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
SPLOOT
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.